Friday, April 30, 2010

'Tis a Gift to be Simple

Passion is described as "any powerful or compelling emotion or feeling". I've read a lot of blogs recently about people's passions and at the end I find myself thinking "that's all really cool... but not for me". Some of the things I'm interested in as well, but I don't feel compelled to act on it or make it something I have to do before I die. I thought about this a long time at work once again keeping the depression in my family in mind wandering if maybe I've lost interest in some things. I went into Musical Theatre because I was given a really special blessing which suggested I used my talents which I took as my musical talents but once I got involved and saw things which I saw as imperfections, I lost a lot of passion for it. As previously mentioned, I used to love poems and inspirational quotes, but I now see them as kind of fluff.

So, instead of focusing on things I didn't like or I wasn't so passionate about anymore, I thought about what I do like: singing (in my car or beside a piano, not really in front of people anymore), shopping and finding I still do wear a small, eating/cooking, and of course PJ. This set me on a whole new thought process like I really want to be a good baker and crafts woman. I love the idea of making most of my kids' clothes, being able to make things for them that are trendy for 10 bucks instead of paying full price in a department store. I love the idea of being able to make cute cupcakes and cookes and things for them and their friends. I love the idea of having kids! And this, my friends, is what I'm passionate about. My future children. I want to build them up and help them find their passions, help them see the possibilities which are in front of them instead of letting them know "life's hard" or "life's not fair" and halting their asperations. I want to teach them academically, spiritually, and emotionally. I am grateful for the time I have to prepare for that by the callings PJ and I share in church together and learning with him these past few days. I want to be able to grow most of our food, sew a lot of clothes, curtains, and fun stuff. I want them to be able to look back in life and know that I worked hard to help bring them up in a loving, spiritual home. Not for my glory, but so that they can do the same for their family. In essence, I think I'm becomming passionate for simplicity.

Thursday, April 22, 2010

Nap Time!

I love napping. I am fully convinced if everyone in metro atlanta took a nap every day traffic wouldn't be half as stressful as it is! I have an hour lunch, but it takes all of about 15 minutes to eat my food so I nap for the rest of the time. I don't always necessarily sleep the whole time, but being able to lay down and relax half-way through the day helps to rejuvenate myself and make the next half of the work day not so bad. But then there's this metro atlanta traffic I was talking (typing) about. Even though I only work about 15-20 miles away it sometimes takes me an hour to get home and that's going against the rush hour commute. So by the time I got home and did dinner and some dishes and sat down to eat it the last thing I wanted to do was to get back up and clean some more. It was getting pretty bad- like to the point where by Saturday I couldn't even bring myself to even by food to feed us! I had read some other people's blogs which I follow and how they were struggling with different types of depression and knowing that runs in my family I was getting a little worried. I thought as long as I detect it in myself I will be able to overcome and I prayed really hard for energy to be able to do more than stick a pizza in the oven after work. Then something dawned on me and I am dead serious. Quiet time! I wake up around 6 every morning and by 10:00 PM I'm dead and a 30 minute nap in the afternoon does not compensate for 18 hours of going so this week we've been trying out "quiet time" or what turns in for me as nap time. I get home and have a snack and go rest for an hour before I start cooking and cleaning and it has been very helpful! After dinner I don't mind doing the dishes or even putting my clothes away. So even though a lot of people I know are moms and might not be able to get away from their children long enough to have naps through out the day, if you're feeling drained and are seeming to grasp at a pocket of energy to even get off the couch: stay! Take a break for a little bit, regain composure and then get to it! You make your children take one so take one yourself. I say: Nap Time!

Thursday, April 15, 2010

Ever the Wiser

I'm totally whining when I say I have been in immense pain for three days now. I'm being totally melodramatic when I say my face has been throbbing and hurting and burning and totally uncomfortable for THREE days now! But: a couple excedrin, a few excedrin PM, a lot of trips to the freezer to take my mask out and then put it back and take some bottle from the fridge while it re-freezes, and a priesthood blessing later and I think I'm getting over it. It all started Tuesday when I woke up and my jaw was a little sore. I think I sometimes clench my teeth in my sleep so this can happen every once in a while so I tried to stretch it out, rub it and go on with my life. Throughout the day though, the pain spread to the insides of my mouth and finally I had to stop talking (poor PJ...). That night I woke up in the middle of the night and it felt like someone had nailed me in the side of my mouth (obviously the PM meds wore off) so, half awake, I took more and went back to sleep only to have my alarm wake me up 3 hrs later and a heads up: don't take sleeping aid meds 3 hrs before you have to get up! Once I was at work my mouth was just throbbing so I took my tounge and tried to feel the L side of my face only to wince in pain so I took my finger and felt around to find 2 new teeth! Apparently my visit to the dentist encouraged my "wisdom teeth" to push through my gums to help chew my food. Only, the side of my mouth isn't used to not having as much room so a huge sore formed. I was really quiet this day so a lot of people were asking me what was wrong and I told over and over with my mouth barely open "my wisdom teeth are growing in" to which one lady responded "oh good! You're gaining wisdom!" I was not amused.

Until today, when pressing cold compressants (frozen mask, bottle of duck sauce, bottle of apricot preserves in a rotation of course) to my face on my "sick bed" (the couch) when I really thought about it. Through the priesthood power I know I could have been healed right when PJ finished the blessing, but I knew in my heart that wasn't necessary. I wasn't going to die, I was just uncomfortable. I also think the whole purpose (poypus...) to miracles are to bring glory to God and not just as quick fixes. I also really enjoy knowing the difference between pain and joy and am so grateful my entire L side of my face isn't throbbing/burning because of it (because of the preisthood blessing of course). It has been said that our eternal purpose of this life is to "bring to pass the immortality and eternal life of man" and "man are that they might have joy" and to be able to know joy you must know pain so... I pretty much think I've learned my lesson. Child birth should be a breeze!

Sunday, April 11, 2010

"If Ye Love Me..."

I watched two movies last night! The first was Sherlock Holmes and I actually liked it. I thought it would be more sexual but it wasn't- more action and mystery oriented.

Then we watched The Boy in the Striped Pajamas. I could not sleep last night because I was haunted by the last 5 minutes of the movie. I was always interested in learning about the Holocaust- I don't really know why. As stated in a prevous post I've also wanted to read Mein Kompf (My Struggle). I read about what happened in concentration camps, have seen about a dozen of Holocaust related films, and even have seen pictures of certain things but nothing was like the last 5 minutes of this movie. In case you haven't seen it (spoler alert): A soldier and his family moves to the country because he was placed over the concentration camps out there. Once there and after he picks his room, his 8 year old son looks out the window and sees what he thinks is a farm and asks his mom if he can play with the children at the farm. She says no, but eventually he climbs over the gate and explores the forest outside his house and comes to the "farm" where another 8 year old boy is sitting on the opposite side of a barbed wire fence in "striped pajamas". Over a period of time they become friends, just sitting there talking and during the same time the little boy's mother finds out what her husband is actually commanding to take place at the concentration camps, becomes disgusted with him and eventually they agree she and the children can go to her sisters house a little ways away. The 8 year old boy doesn't like this and goes to say his final good-bye to his friend when the friend asks for his help in finding his dad. He says he went on a march the other day and never came back. To make up for getting the Jew in trouble, the 8 year old boy says that he will, digs a hole under the barbed wire fence, the Jew gives him "striped pajamas" and they go looking for the dad. Once they get to a barrack, the Nazi's come in and have everyone go on a march. They go to the "showers" are commanded to take off their clothing and are all shoved into a room. The lights go out, the poison is administered, you hear screaming, and then silence.

This has made me think about what hating and deamonizing people or a person could lead to. PJ used to work at a chicken farm where he had to kill the gimp chickens and he told me at first he had a hard time with it. Eventually he kept telling himself, these are not humans, these are chickens and all worry and doubt went away and he no longer had a problem wringing their necks or hitting them against the wall to kill them. He said all it takes is to convince yourself of someone's or something's "non humanity" and killing is no longer an issue. I also thought about what power you give those you hate over you. Hitler proclaimed Jews were powerfully evil bringing down an entire country. People also talk against Joseph Smith and how he made up The Book of Mormon, how he was on drugs and hallucinated and that's how he "had a vision", that he cheated on his wife and that's why he enforced polygamy, the list goes on. If all those things were true, he has still mislead millions of people world wide and how powerful of a man even 180 years later! I know I find myself when I have been wronged thinking "they meant to do this and they're plotting against me" but all I'm doing is investing time and energy towards someone or something that is really not important. If Hitler truely disliked this race of the Jews, why did he empower them to his people saying they were powerful enough to bring down an entire country? If people didn't believe in Jesus, why did they feel they needed to kill him in order to maintain order? If people don't believe in Joseph Smith, why, to this day, are they trying to disprove him saying Mormons are tricky people and really saying this person they don't like, Joseph Smith, was a smart, devious, and deceptive man whose legacy lives on 180 years after his death? The moral of the story: if you can't love everyone, at least leave them alone.

Saturday, April 3, 2010

Freud vs. Holland

Following up on my reading list I said I was looking for something uplifting and for some reason went with Freud first! I honestly didn't finish it and will go into reason later, but here's my play by play. Freud starts out Civilizations and Its Discontents speaking on religion and how a belief in God is unscientific especially because it can only be explained as a "feeling". I've heard this argument before so this didn't really affect me. So the next part of the book he goes onto why people are unhappy (the discontented part of the book) and the ways to cope which he gave are powerful deflections (making light of our problems), substitutive satisfactions (diminishing our pain/unhappiness), and intoxicating substances (making us insensitive to our problems). This part of the book I really liked because it discussed unhealthy behavior and helped me to realize how important this "feeling" he earlier dismissed as insignificant helps me to overcome my trials and problems in life and makes life easier to climb. At one point he discussed how people use intoxicating subsance to try to deal with life to which he explained "they are responsible, in certain circumstances, for the uselss waste of a large quota of enegy which might have been employed for the improvement of the human lot." I thought that was very clever and started to really think that Freud had a pretty good sense of humor so it made the book more enjoyable to read. Further on he gets into the fact that the ideal of "civilization" is the reason we are unhappy because it puts restrictions on our (among other things) sexual ambitions. He started to define love as "the relation between a man and a woman whose genital needs have led them to found a family" and explains two different loves as "genital love [which] leads to the formation of new families, and aim-inhibited love [which leads] to 'friendship'"

I would now like to switch to another view point shared today by Elder Holland in today's 180th General Conference where the General Authorities of the church speak to the whole world messages which the Lord would want them to hear. My favorite speaker is Elder Holland because he has such pointedly direct and yet spiritually uplifting talks. I only have my notes to go by right now but later I will post his full talk. He spoke today about Love as well and started off with a story about 3 women who ran up to him in an airport and started talking about how they were all newly divorced and the problem in each of their marriages were infidelity by their husbands started with a problem with pornography. Elder Holland then went on to explain the difference between love and lust and said in order to over come the evils of pornography we must overcome lust and used the analogy of instead of chopping at the branches of sin, we must start chopping at the roots. He also spoke of Joseph and how he was tempted by Potipher's wife (Freud may call this genital love...) to "lay" with her and how we need to be like Joseph who straight away ran from sin (without leaving a forwarding address). Finally Elder Holland also said true love must involve permanance.

After hearing General Conference, especially this Elder's talk, Freuds notes and discussion on love seemed insignificant. I tried to finish reading the book but Elder Holland's words echoed in my mind and I closed the book and put it back on the book shelf. I'm not going to finish it because frankly if you leave God out of love all you have is lust. (And Civilization and Its Discontents was only mentioned on LOST so I think I can still be a nerd even if I prematurely cross it off) On to Mark Twain and Tom Sawyer!